Somewhere along the line my brain became a dangerous place to be. I simply think too much. I get caught in endless analysis loops that tire me out and get me nowhere. I’ve never been diagnosed with any kind of disorder…but it causes me to wonder. Life’s too much!
My focus on analysis started when I was quite young in school. I discovered I loved to sort out the relationship between the parts and the whole, whether it was in math, science, drawing, or gardening. I was fascinated both with the micro and the macro of our universe and wanted to know where things came from. Those encyclopedia sections on human anatomy with the clear overlays of organs and systems kept me rapt for hours.
A turning point came when I tried to use my thinking to figure out people, their actions and reactions. I couldn’t change the outcome of human interactions simply by analyzing them, but at least I felt I could understand why people did what they did, the cause and effect. Through it I honed my acute intuition and empathy.
This kind of analysis is seductive and addictive. After a while my cognitive abilities started working against me, as they took over the functioning of my heart. Thinking replaced feeling, to the extent that my feelings first had to check in with my brain before I was able to react to situations, and my brain frequently lagged behind, overwhelmed.
Now I need to let it go. My over-thinking is literally raising my blood pressure. It increases my anxiety and generally makes me feel like jelly inside. It’s like overloading the clothes dryer…everything comes out damp and wrinkled!
Much of this phenomenon is due to being a highly sensitive person and needs its own set of boundaries. I guess this post is a cautionary tale to those of you who experience the same overload at times. I’ve found it only becomes more out of control if I’m not deliberately mindful (in a good way— that is stopping the thought process and quietly reflecting through my heart) and creating better boundaries. I’d love to hear your take on this!