I really enjoyed math and science because of the formulae and equations. If this…then that.” I loved having my expectations fulfilled whenever I plugged in the correct numbers or molecular structure to get a single, definite, and absolute answer at the end of the equation. “If this….then that.”
I was drilled and trained for 16 years in school to think this way, which piggy-backed onto what I learned at home. For example if I cried as an infant, then my mother would feed me. If I threw a toddler tantrum, then my parents would pay attention to me. If I earned good grades in school, then I would receive validation and praise. If I fell in love, then I would enjoy intimacy and comfort. My parents also taught the kind of ethics based on “If this…then that.” We believed that if we were good and kind to others, they would be good and kind to us.
I discovered in my past professional life that there are serious limits to “if this…then that” thinking. I used to believe that if I followed a given formula for behavior, if I kept the rules, taught the dogma, kept away from political intrigue, was candid and thoughtful, and fulfilled others’ needs then I would be rewarded with opportunities to further my skills and service. Not so much!
My mentor James Dickson recently gave me some tough marching orders: “Let go of all Expectation. All of it. Every bit of it. Once you let go of it, you aren’t there yet. Try again to let go of your expectations. What you expect your life to be, how you expect to be treated, the inalienable rights you expect to have and exercise. You could spend a lot of time here.” Expectation is the enemy of integrity and compassion (see previous posts). I am spending a lot of time with this challenge as I rework my entire foundation for living.
Now I feel as if am free-floating with nothing to grab onto. I have no external formulae to follow, no numbers to insert, no familiar “molecular structure” to my life. I need to let go the “if this…then that” perspective, to live in the moment and for the moment, without carrying around stories of how my life “should” be. I have to fight the seduction of assumptions concerning my place in the world and the kind of influence I think I ought to have.
This line of thinking has spawned further clarity. I have begun to recognize the difference between expectation and dreams, desires and hopes. Without dreams I would despair. Without desires I would flounder aimlessly. Without hope I would go into a catatonic state, refusing to risk love and life. And I now know that expectation serves no good purpose.
Dreams, desires and hopes open my mind and heart to possibilities, to “what might be”. They defy the “if this…then that” perspective. Expectation, on the other hand, closes my mind and heart as it proclaims “what should be” in the world I create for myself. It traps me into thinking that there are formulae for life or predictable consequences for all actions. In fact, expectation causes me to retreat into a narcissistic, status-driven, controlling, objectifying, judging, and resentful little life, where I go into auto-pilot to manipulate people and events to fulfill my dreams, desires, and hopes.
It is an illusion to think that life is ever going “my way.” As I let go of expectation Life invites me to live on its own terms and to discover the real dreams, desires and hopes that lay deep within my heart and have yet to emerge in to my consciousness. So I ask you dear readers: How has expectation entrapped you?
Contact me at michael@parisecoaching.com
Interesting topic, Michael. A few months ago, I quit my job. In the past week, I have vacated my apartment, moved to another town, sold my car, and prepared for a lengthy trip abroad. Yet, when I laid out the tarot cards the other day, the interpretation of card after card said “You need to let go.” “Damnation,” I thought, “I’ve let go of the career, the lodging, 90% of my possessions–what remains to let go of?” What I’m finding is that it’s so easy to let go of the stuff, and so difficult to let go of the expectations. Indeed, when the stuff is gone, the resistance of the intangibles becomes even more noticeable…
Robert,
Wow…I could have written that too! I totally agree that letting go of what is in our face that we no longer have use of or need is just a precursor to the deeper letting-go of expectation! A regular word in my vocabulary lately is “Ouch” as I stumble upon yet another way I need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk!! Thanks so much for your contribution!
Michael
Thanks….spot on 🙂
I loved your article, Michael. Thank you. It was very timely for me. Lately, I have felt that I am doing everything right, but am not getting the results that I would have expected. You reminded me to just trust in the universe that things will be as they need to be. Henry Kimsey-House says something about expectancy vs. expectation. I will focus on expectancy – excitement and hope for the future.
Thank you Donna. It’s good to encourage each other in our focus on the present!
After 30 plus years as a clinical nurse, I recently went into teaching. Only 20% of the class functions at the level of my expectation. I have to work very hard to get my lessons across to the other 80%. These are adult learners. So, I start preparation close to my ideal and then morph it into styles for visual learners, students, who like games and quizzes. it is difficult for the first time teacher. As a man who is now dating again, I too have a sense of cause and effect, I am learning that dating in my mid 50s, does not yield what it used too. Letting go of expectations, will be the antidote to any disappointment. The same as the idea of attachment. None of this is easy or come naturally to me. I am constantly on low level self monitoring. Just thoughts.
Bill,
Thanks so much for sharing. I too started dating in my 50’s and experienced the same kind of give and take regarding my expectations and the ensuing disappointments with those who had come and gone several times in dating relationships/partnerships and were either tired out or jaded. Letting go of expectation is a constant for me too! Good luck with teaching adults…it’s a wonderful opportunity to witness to a deeper level of caring and concern.