I can be a very “emotional” person at times. I have strong reactions both to the good and the bad in life, both to beauty and horror. I tend to shed tears whenever I am in awe or hit between the eyes with human tragedy.
How would you describe your emotional landscape? Which emotions are you most afraid of? Has anyone ever “accused” you of being “emotional”? I can tell you this much, for a boy or man to be labeled “emotional” in this culture is practically a death sentence to his masculinity. For a woman to be labeled “emotional” is an affirmation of one of the worst stereotypes under which women have labored for centuries.
The expression of strong emotion for many men, especially in the media, seems to be limited to fighting, making love, protecting children, and sports. I wonder how many men secretly admire (or fear) Speaker of the House John Boehner for his free flow of tears whenever he is touched by events?
The limiting of men’s emotional expression comes from the archetype of the warrior. Men who have been trained in our warrior culture (extended to any potential conflict where he encounters an adversary, real or imagined) are taught to “suck it up” or “man up” (a term I find particularly repugnant). They are not to show feelings that might bring down the fighting spirit of the cohort or that might show compassion and understanding, signs of true weakness.
No doubt one needs to guard strong emotions in the midst of the “fight or flight” tension. The choice to fight, means having to bury, at least temporarily, fear, sadness, grief, and other emotions that can drain a warrior of the energy he needs in battle. An extension of this is maintaining a “game face” in the board room or work cubicle in order to gain the advantage over the opponent
But beyond actual war or serious negotiations, there is little need to bring the game face into every aspect of daily life. I recall vividly conversations I had with a number of fellow priests whenever I was trying to deal with church matters that meant a lot to me, including my leaving the ministry. Despite my passion and vulnerability, they usually responded with kind looks, “pastoral” nods, and careful listening…but with no matching emotional response. I would have at least appreciated someone telling me that they thought I was full of crap and why! It would have been better than their helpless indifference.
Which emotions do you express readily? Which ones do you hold in? How do you feel when you’re in the presence of another person’s strong emotions? How do you label yourself when and if you shed tears in public? Is anger easier for you to express than compassion and tenderness? Why? Just wondering….
Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com
Hi Michael: actually there are all sorts of reasons outside of combat why both men (and women) choose which emotions to express openly and which to sequester. In fact, each culture has culturally variable “group agreements” as to how much, and which, emotion can be expressed at any given time. While it’s easy to stereotype and over-generalize, the further north one goes, the more the tendency to limit the strong expression of overt emotion, and the closer to the equator, the more strong expression of emotion tends to be permitted or encouraged.
If you look at what is culturally acceptable in Scandinavia, for example, as an expression of grief over death of a loved one, and then compare that with the Mediterranean countries–Italians, Greeks, Jews, the Middle East–you’ll find that it is common, and culturally acceptable, for people to wail loudly and publicly with grief over the death of a loved one. You won’t find that practice commonly in Scandinavia, in Norway or Finland, for example. Public wailing would be unusual. there are group agreements about what is appropriate for expression of emotion.
Even in the US, within corporate settings, there are different group agreements about how much and which kind of emotion it is OK to express. ONe company will differ from another; in one staff meeting, expressions like “this makes me feel really angry” or “I feel nervous and insecure about this merger: would be engaged by management and discussed openly in the group. In another corporate culture, perhaps even one in the same city and state, management might respond with “please see me afterwards and we can have you talk to human resources about your concerns.”
While there ARE certain obstacles presented to queer men and women growing up, the idea that we have to limit our emotional expression isn’t a limitation which is unique to gay people, and neither is it something to pathologize. It’s normal and healthy to limit emotional expression. WE all limit emotional expression, and have to, in certain circumstances and contexts. The world would be completely chaotic if we didn’t.
At the same time, your underlying point, which is that it’s healthy to feel and be in touch with our emotions, and to express them appropriately at the right times, is certainly an important message.
Be well,
Kevin Smith
Dear Kevin,
You are of course right on target with your remarks. I must admit to being limited to my own experiences with men in particular in the Northeast of the U.S. and often write with them in mind. Yet even in the most expressive cultures in the English speaking world (my general audience for this blog)being labeled “emotional” for expressing passion and strong feelings on a regular basis can be a negative. We can learn a lot from cultures where emotions run a bit more freely…though I’m not sure I would be as comfortable myself in these contexts! Thank you for your cogent and helpful comments and for your Touch Practice work!