Ah, the great mystery of life…how do we attract the right people to us for romantic, intimate, loving, supportive relationships?   Lately I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching as to how I might attract more people into my life for close and emotionally satisfying friendships…and even romance.  I’ve dealt with my external appearance, so there’s got to be much more.

Let’s deal with what’s internal and unspoken.  How is our body language attracting or repelling potential relationships?  When we look into someone’s eyes what do we see and what are we projecting?  How are our hidden thoughts and judgments being communicated through our eyes?  Are we trying too hard to sell ourselves or are we going overboard in trying to please?

How’s our affect?  An affect is more than an emotion.  It is the sum total of the emotions we feel that get squeezed out the sides.  We may think our day is going fine, but ongoing struggles, disappointments, hurts and anger from the past may actually dominate and communicate to others as an overall affect.  It’s like a neon sign flashing that says: “No matter what I say, I’m actually depressed, angry, sad, lonely, tired, stressed, busy… etc.”

Then there are judgments.  All of us make judgments, all the time.   We don’t have to take on the negative energy of judgments.   But we often make them ourselves in order to protect us from being hurt.  They can be walls of defense or weapons of offense.  (How many of us judge the person behind the wheel by the make and model of the car or truck they’re driving?)

What about anger?  I frequently hear anger and disappointment in others (one of the judgments I make!).  The tone of their voice, their choice of words, their negative slant on situations, their posture, and their tendency to blame others all add up to someone who has a lot of baggage to resolve.

Are we overly serious or playful?  Some of us put on our serious, analytical hat as soon as we meet a new person.  Others of us just get silly and seem to take nothing seriously.  Either extreme can be red flags.

I came to the conclusion with the help of my coach that I needed a new way of presenting myself in the world.   I won’t tell you what it is because it would spoil the surprise.  What might be an image or perspective that you can take on to “condition” you to project the kind of person you really are and want others to see first?

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.